bellas_letum (bellas_letum) wrote in morethanjustana,

Well....if no one else is going to rant...

The events of last were interesting, in their own sort of meshed together and blurred confusion.
The night began with me going to the Theatre for our last perfomance of Cabaret. Their were some mistakes, but that's to be expected...more or less. The stagemanager forgot a MAJOR one of her light cues and blamed it on me. She said that I knocked the cord which, is entirely bullshit but oh well. At least I don't have to work with her anymore. We had a good audience though and there kwas alot of laughing and such. SO, I'm happier that the last night of the run worked out so good.
After the show Bob the director asked me to do some more tech work for Measure by Measure and I agreed....He had originally wanted me to act but i regretfully explained that I am a terrible actress...even though I can sing. I'm kind of excited about that show becuase it's at the Lied which is significantly larger than The Haymarket Theatre and it a profit theatre company.

I Left the Cast Party significantly early becuase I'm not very good at socializing with people when I'm not doing my job. I came home and immmediatly made myself a drink becuase that's what I do. Somewhere between drink number three and four my ex Jordan came in. (this is where it gets difficult).
I live with one ex right now, whom I really consider more of a freind than an ex becuase we only dated for a week tops. Regardless of the extremely small amount of time that we spent together he think, He's in Love with me. I think he just wants to be in Love. Anyway I live at Jason's old house. Jordan comes over and ends up pulling Jason into the oppisite room for...probably about a half hour.

Now, I'm not a Stupid girl I KNOW they are talking about me so I walk over to the room and gently pull the door closed as if to say that I know. One or two drinks later we finally start Movie night. By this Point EVERYONE is pretty well gone.So, Jordan takes me to the side and many many more words that he still love me very very much, that once apon a time he told me to be selfish with him and that that should not go away simply becuase we're not. I'm so confused right now. I messed things up with Jordan so much...I left him becuase I felt like he was too good for me.

I had other reasons of course. I told him that I needed to break up with him becuase I wanted to work through shit and yet, I don't know...I DO need to work through things. I was right in that but it's not why I did what I did and I feel regret...always regret. It never leaves me.
I talked to Jason this morning. I explained to him in the most blunt way possible that nothing will come of our relationship. He was going to "wait on me". i don't know if that's still what he's planning. I hope not.
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